Because I Said So!

I caught the end of yet another episode of World’s Strictest Parents—the good part where parents retrieved their child and the teens showed gratitude and weren’t whining.

For the most part, the parents appeared to be warm, loving and supportive. With seven episodes under my belt, I’d been wondering how things go so terribly wrong.

This time I had an answer. Permissiveness.

What is permissive parenting? Child Psychologist Kenneth Condrell explains the concept well in an article written for Fisher-Price.

He says, “Let’s start with the mom waiting for her 5-year-old son to return home after his first day of kindergarten. As he comes down the steps of the school bus, he is greeted by his mom who is so excited to see him up to the point where he kicks her.

Though the kick is painful and a shock, the mom says to her son, “Robert, why are you so angry?

You know it’s not nice to kick your mom.”Condrell explains: “This mother’s response is permissive and indulgent because it totally dismisses how her child’s behavior affected her, and she doesn’t tell him that his behavior will not be tolerated.”

I thought of Condrell’s example when the parents who arrived to pick up their children from the host families all seemed to be singing the same song to their child. The song went like this: “You hurt me. You are mean to me. You abuse me.”

The light bulb went off: They are the parents whose child kicked them when he was five.

Now that the pain has reached an intolerable point they are saying, “This hurts!”
But they aren’t sure how to fix things. Permissive patterns have been established and are difficult to change.

What’s a permissive parent to do?

Researchers continually tell us that the Authoritative Style of parenting is ideal. Authoritative parents set rules and expect their children to follow them, though the parents understand, as CMT’s website cautioned last week, that the home is not a military academy. Flexibility is required. Other key ingredients include the willingness to listen to your child and being loving, supportive and understanding.

There are actually two phases to this style. With a child fast approaching thirteen, I am already wading in the second phase. As the child grows, a shift needs to take place. More freedoms are allowed as long as trust is maintained, so that the child can become an emotionally healthy, productive adult.

My personality is far better suited to be permissive. It’s my guess that it’s parents like me—parents who love and support their child, but who have a personality not suited or ideal for setting boundaries, saying no and disappointing their child—whose kids end up on World’s Strictest Parents.

If you know this about yourself, you must work around it. I have help. I am married to someone who supports the authoritative approach. I have other tactics I use, too. I create schedules and calendars. In the middle of saying ‘no,’ I remind myself everything will be okay and I have to stick to my guns.

The parents of the teens on the World’s Strictest have given me new vigor for what I must continue to do for at least six more years.

Every time I find it hard to say no, I will remember where permissiveness leads: to teens who backtalk and cuss, who don’t respect authority, who avoid work and who think certain jobs are beneath them.

It leads to children who don’t appreciate or value you or your resources. Bottom line: Permissive parenting leads to TROUBLE.

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/
Email me!

World Strickest Parents. Casting Call!

A couple of weekends ago, Addy and I watched a marathon of CMT and MTV’s World’s Strictest Parents.

The show is yet another way of “showing-by-example” unacceptable behaviors of teenagers.

Before I get to my story, I wanted to share that a few weeks after printing this articles in the newspaper, I received an email from CMT's casting director, Tamra. She said, "I came across your article in the Magnolia Gazette and hoped that you could include casting information for the show."

Casting will continue through February of 2010. And turns out that World's Strickest Parents casting team need more host families.

Tamra also said, "It is often hard to believe that a teen can change in one week, but during that week seeds are planted for a new future. Many teens and families continue to stay in contact well after the show is over." Here is the casting information: World’s Strictest Parents Casting, hotline: (888) 41-TEENS. You can email by clicking on the link or find out additional information by visiting the website.

Back to my article...

Each episode documents the time that two uncontrollable teens must abide by the rules of strict host families. Most of the host families that we watched lived on farms, which meant not only were there rules to follow, there was work to be done. I think I heard a total of twelve teenagers say, “I hate work.”

All of them resisted doing chores and any menial labor. One even announced to the cameras that when she grew up she’d have a maid and other staff to do her bidding.

In the beginning there was way too much whining. When the teenagers weren’t whining, they were breaking the rules. This pattern would continue for a few days until the kids would settle into the new routine and structure. All but one of the twelve teens stuck it out and seemed to be taking major steps in the right direction.

As they were returning to their families, most of the teens reported a renewed respect and appreciation for their parents. Many pledged that their lives would be different and that they would make strides to improve.

I was amazed by the hosts’ ability to deal with difficult people. While some did seem to be way over-the-top, most offered troubled teens a warm, loving environment heavy on chores and accountability.

When a child broke the rules, he or she was punished. In one show, although warned that a rule violation meant the worst-on-the-farm chores, two teenagers decided to go joyriding in one of the work trucks. The next morning the pair had to clean out stables packed full of manure.

On their website CMT staffers included some suggestions to parents. Although their advice is peppered with jokes and fun, what’s offered can be helpful to anyone parenting a teen. They remind parents while there is a need for rules, home is not a military academy. They also suggest offering encouragement—that the parents’ goal is help their children bloom.

As I see it we also have another goal: we are charged with the mission of helping our offspring become productive members of society.

In one of the episodes an eighteen-year-old boy said he wanted to be a chef. When asked by a host parent what plans he had to make his dream a reality, the teen shrugged his shoulders. He had no clue. No plan. Clearly no understanding of how the process of becoming a chef might work.

By the time he left the host parents’ home, he seemed to understand this valuable lesson, and pledged to make a plan toward making his dream come true.

Probably the most important advice from the CMT website is that parents must learn to say no.

I am one of those parents who would rather not upset my child, but not learning how to say ‘no’ means the door for ‘maybe’ is always open. If teenagers believe that every no is a maybe, they will continue to work on you—to wear you down—until your ‘no’ or ‘maybe’ is a ‘yes’.

This creates a no-win situation and sets them up to be adults who use this tactic on loved ones and in professional situations. Teenagers need caregivers to set limits, which will in turn help them build the self-control muscle.

Watching The World’s Strictest Parent with your teen can help begin a dialogue about work, values, accountability, and his or her hopes for the future.

Allyn Evans
http://www.thealertparent.com/
info@allynevans.com

The other night Addy and I are watching a program on HGTV. Designers were helping families in the military.

The mother of one family said to the interviewer: “We spend all our time in the den. We play games, watch TV and oh, we use it constantly for therapy sessions. I have two autistic children.”

Addy took note. “What’s autistic mean?”

I explained as best I could. “It’s a neurological disorder.”

From my own experience of observing children diagnosed with autism, I added, “They can be overly sensitive to the physical world. They’re often agitated by anything they perceive through their senses—hearing, seeing, touching, smelling. Some autistic people might make habitual body motions, rocking, for example, or have attachment to certain objects. They prefer routine and get upset when the routine is disrupted.”

That very same week, Addy and I talked to a college student who helped an autistic child. The conversation reminded me of the article I had written about Kim Hix and her 10-year-old son who was diagnosed with a neuropsychiatric disability. We dug up that article for Addy to read. Then I showed her my latest blog post featuring Chynna Laird and her daughter Jamie.

Statistics indicate many families are raising children with disabilities. According to the American Association of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry between 7 to 12 million children suffer from behavioral, mental or developmental disorders, and these numbers don’t reflect physical disabilities or other maladies. Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASDs), like Autism, Aspergers and ADHD, affect an estimated two to six per 1,000 children.

At the age of two, Jamie was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD).
Chynna said, “Honestly, I’d never heard of SPD. I’d heard of Autism, Asperger’s and ADHD but not this mysterious SPD.”

Chynna described her symptoms. “She rarely slept, fought us with every simple hygiene task tooth and nail, spent most of her awake time screaming and refused our touch.” Jamie’s mother said it was difficult to take her places, “Anywhere too busy, loud, smelly, bright, etc. made her break down or freeze.”

Chynna explained, “A lot of people call SPD an ‘invisible disorder’ because you can’t see it on a child’s face or body. The only glimmer that something is wrong is their reactions to people, situations, and events and that they often have to try just a bit harder to bounce a ball, play sports like stick hockey or ice skate or concentrate.”

Chynna Laird wrote I’m Not Weird, I have SPD to help others who are experiencing similar challenges. That was why Kim Hix wrote No One Is Perfect and You Are a Great Kid.

Besides the stories of Chynna and Kim, there are many resources available including associations and foundations that provide information and support to people and families. I found a long list simply by searching Google. One source is Children with Disabilities. Another resource is The National Dissemination Center for Children with Disabilities. Forever Families also offers information and resources for families.

Although their stories aren’t quite the same, Chynna and Kim faced their challenges in a similar matter. Both were proactive, searching for answers that made sense. The women deliver a powerful message. Chynna told me: “Jaimie is my sensational child—my miracle girl.”

Kim said something in her original article that I think bears repeating. “It is my hope that other children realize that despite any disabilities they may have that they too possess strengths and gifts. A disability does not make a person, it is simply a part of who he or she is.”

Allyn Evans
http://www.thealertparent.com/
Email me!

Emma's Inspirations

Sandie Lee, former editor for Families Matter , featured the story of Emma. “Each year, millions of children face danger and injury because of being left in vehicles unattended,” Sandie wrote.

We’ve all read the headlines and been horrified. We realize how easy this could happen—even to the best of caregivers. In our go-go, sleep deprived world, children are left in unattended cars more than we’d like to think.

According to Jan Null (San Francisco State University), there have already been 30 deaths of infants this year due to having been left in a hot vehicle.

In 2008, there were 43 deaths. Since 1998 there have been a total of 442 recorded infant fatalities due to having been left unattended in vehicles. Temperatures don’t have to be in the 90’s to be life-threatening.

Temperatures as mild as the 70’s can be fatal. It’s probably not surprising that the majority of deaths are clustered in southern and southwestern states: Florida, Arizona and Texas, as examples.

According to Sandie who is currently Blog Editor of Bumples Family First, "Barbara left her child in an SUV. Fortunately for Barbara and her daughter Emma, her story had a positive outcome and Barbara used the experience to create a helpful product for caregivers.

In the Families Matters article Barbara explained, “When our daughter Emma was an infant, we moved into our new house. As we pulled into the driveway, we all became very excited and quickly left the car to see the house. There was so much to be done that everyone went off in different directions.

“I had assumed that my husband had Emma, and he thought that it was me who had brought her inside. Making the assumption that everything was okay, we all went about moving into our new home. In a sudden moment of panic we realized that our baby girl wasn’t even in the house. Nearly forty-five minutes after we had arrived, we rushed to our car for Emma.

“The sun was high in the sky, and it was sweltering in the car. We were very lucky. I thank God that my older son had cracked open the back window on the ride up because he was carsick, or Emma may not have become the vibrant six-year-old she is today!”

After the event Barbara was created Emma’s Inspirations, a decal (a new car window static-cling sticker) that provides a visual reminder to the driver that a child could still be in the backseat. To dole out responsibility, Emma’s inspiration includes four decals designed to adhere to the inside of the window and facing out.

Suggested placements are on the driver, passenger and rear door windows. For order information visit Emma’s Inspirations, which also has decals for pet owners, too.

Jan Null posted safety recommendations on her site. She leads off her list with instructions to never leave a child unattended. Her advice is telling us something we already know. It’s highly unlikely a child is left alone purposefully.

Points worth repeating:
1. If you see a child unattended in a hot vehicle call 911. Don’t hesitate to take action.
2. Always lock your car. This prevents a child from climbing in by him or herself. Teach your children that vehicles are never to be used for play.
3. Make “look before you leave” a routine whenever you get out of your car.
4. Have a plan that your childcare provider will call you if your child does not show up for school.

Enhancing the decal idea, keep a stuffed animal in the carseat. When you place the child in the carseat, put the stuffed animal in the front with the driver.

Allyn Evans
http://www.allynevans.com/
Email me!

Flying With Lap Babies

Recently I flew to Virginia for a business meeting.

My trek from Oklahoma City to Charlottesville took two flights. While on the first leg of my trip and listening to the safety instructions, I started thinking about the lap child seated in front of me.

I pulled out the instruction sheet to see what they were telling parents of little ones to do incase of trouble. The picture demonstrating the recommended technique showed a mother holding on tight while hunched over her baby.

I wondered how many parents in an emergency situation would attempt to strap their child down? And how tragic either way—strapped or holding—would be for parent and child.

When I arrived home, I just happened to read an article by a former flight attendant and cyberfriend of mine on this very subject. Beth Blair (The Vacation Gals) asked readers, “Would you ever sit your child on your lap riding on a roller coaster? How about cruising at 75 mph down the highway?”

She explained the airlines policy, which is any child under the age of two can fly for “free” (in the United States) if they sit on an adult’s lap for the entire flight. Beth said, “Some parents assume that if the airline allows lap children, it must be okay. After all, the airlines are the experts, why would they put any of their passengers in danger?”

I cringed when I read this because I was one of those parents who believed, “Well, it must be okay if they allow it!”

What parents don’t realize is if a plane did crash it would be virtually impossible to hang on to your child. And the force of the impact propels a twenty pound baby into an 80 to 100 pound flying object. Strapping a child to you is also a bad idea.

Beth explains, “If the plane comes to a sudden halt or crash, your body will automatically be thrown forward and forced down, on top of your baby, possibly crushing him.”

Turbulence is also a problem. I remember how difficult it was to simply hang on to Addy when things were calm. Sometimes, the last thing she wanted to do was to sit still in my lap for an extended flight. Forgetting that, turbulence is a regular occurrence and can be rough enough to open overhead bins and throw non-seat-belted adults around.

So what’s a parent to do?

Beth has an answer for that too. “I suggest purchasing a seat for your child the next time you fly.” Parents who purchase seats can also bring a car seat to place (and then be strapped down) in the seat.

In a follow up article, Beth provided another solution to her readers. New on the market is a restraining system for children called CARES (Child Aviation Restraint System). It’s reasonable—only costs $75 and weighs only one pound and will protect a child weighing between 22 and 44 pounds.

To order, simply visit their website: http://www.kidsflysafe.com. Manufactured by an airline seat belt maker, AmSafe Aviation, it is reliable and easy to use. Beth demoed the safety straps and provided instructions:

1. Lower tray table behind child’s seat and slide the red harness over the seat.

2. Pull red loop snug about seat back.

3. Tighten red loop 1″ above child’s shoulders.

4. Insert lap belt through small black loops, buckle lap belt, fasten chest clip.

5. Tighten lap belt and torso harness. 6. Re-stow tray table.

And if you still need to take your car seat…of course you do! Simply check it with your luggage or think about renting one upon your arrival.

Allyn Evans
www.thealertparent.com
email me!

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Eyes Wide Open

Addy was eight-years-old when she became aware that others might be critical of her. It was hard for me to watch.

“First grade is when I started to care about what others thought,” my husband said when we discussed this. As a child I had a similar realization.

I think my awareness of external judgment started in second grade when it was clear that all the other children didn’t have as much arm hair as I did. I cried about it, and even asked my mother to take me to the doctor. The doctor said something like, “You need to dye and cut it regularly.” We tried the trimming thing for a while, but my arms always looked worse—gaps of hair missing were much more obvious than leaving it be.

I had been affected by the ‘good opinion of others’ through my young adulthood. It’s the approval issue. We come out of childhood craving it. We drown out our internal voices because we worry who we are will not match up to the expectations of others and we will be proven unlovable.

Through Addy and her friends, I have an opportunity to again look at these processes. Why do we feel the need to twist ourselves to be like everyone else?

Deb Dunham (http://www.tweenyouandmebook.com/) who also writes about and for tweens and teens wrote an article, I wanted to share with you.

The remaining column is a reprinting of an article posted by Deb on her blog.

Following a discussion about preteen stress, my 11-yr old daughter looked at her 5-year old sister and said, ‘I feel so bad that she’ll have to learn about grownup stuff some day. She’s so oblivious and happy now.’ My tween was reflecting on her own recent transition to a broader awareness.

When girls enter tweenhood, it’s as if their eyes are dilated and suddenly they see much more than they can absorb.

Tweens today are part of an information age that exposes them to mature concepts at an early age. But even with careful censoring of information, tweens become shockingly aware of the bigger world – thanks to their newly emerging self-consciousness.

They begin to see that the world has opinions of them; and they start to favor the judgment of others over their own self-assessment.

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, many girls suffer a crisis of confidence between the ages of 11 and 13. This crisis follows them deep into their teen years as evidenced by reports that less than 1/3 of high school girls say they are happy with who they are.

Tweens are receptive to positive input. Parents can take advantage of this receptivity to bolster a tween’s confidence level.

1. Promote a sense of belonging and value. Involve your daughter in family plans. Ask for her opinion and allow her to orchestrate the details of an event.

2. Promote self-reliance and competence. Provide ample developmentally appropriate responsibilities and choices. Promote independent problem-solving. Remember most tweens are not necessarily asking for advice, but instead need to be heard.

3. Be a positive role model. Demonstrate respect by avoiding criticism of yourself and others. Most importantly, take ownership for your own choices by apologizing when necessary.

It’s natural for adolescents to suffer a decline in self-approval as they enter tweenhood. But it’s also possible for them to build confidence and self-love with careful guidance.

Tweens are resilient beings who can do more than survive the challenges of adolescence. Parents can acknowledge the hardships of a preteen and simultaneously expect them to thrive. Every child deserves to enjoy the benefits of self-acceptance. Every child can feel lovable, capable, and valuable.

Thanks Deb for your contribution!

Allyn Evans
http://www.thealertparent.com/

email me!

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Life with Challenges

The other night Addy and I are watching a program on HGTV. Designers were helping families in the military.

The mother of one family said to the interviewer: “We spend all our time in the den. We play games, watch TV and oh, we use it constantly for therapy sessions. I have two autistic children.”

Addy took note. “What’s autistic mean?”

I explained as best I could. “It’s a neurological disorder.”

From my own experience of observing children diagnosed with autism, I added, “They can be overly sensitive to the physical world. They’re often agitated by anything they perceive through their senses—hearing, seeing, touching, smelling. Some autistic people might make habitual body motions, rocking, for example, or have attachment to certain objects. They prefer routine and get upset when the routine is disrupted.”

That very same week, Addy and I talked to a college student who helped an autistic child. The conversation reminded me of the article I had written about Kim Hix and her 10-year-old son who was diagnosed with a neuropsychiatric disability.

We dug up that article for Addy to read. Then I showed her my latest blog post featuring Chynna Laird and her daughter Jamie.

Statistics indicate many families are raising children with disabilities. According to the American Association of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry between 7 to 12 million children suffer from behavioral, mental or developmental disorders, and these numbers don’t reflect physical disabilities or other maladies. Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASDs), like Autism, Aspergers and ADHD, affect an estimated two to six per 1,000 children.

At the age of two, Jamie was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD).
Chynna said, “Honestly, I’d never heard of SPD. I’d heard of Autism, Asperger’s and ADHD but not this mysterious SPD.”

Chynna described her symptoms. “She rarely slept, fought us with every simple hygiene task tooth and nail, spent most of her awake time screaming and refused our touch.” Jamie’s mother said it was difficult to take her places, “Anywhere too busy, loud, smelly, bright, etc. made her break down or freeze.”

Chynna explained, “A lot of people call SPD an ‘invisible disorder’ because you can’t see it on a child’s face or body. The only glimmer that something is wrong is their reactions to people, situations, and events and that they often have to try just a bit harder to bounce a ball, play sports like stick hockey or ice skate or concentrate.”

Chynna Laird wrote I’m Not Weird to help others who are experiencing similar challenges. That was why Kim Hix wrote No One Is Perfect and You Are a Great Kid.

Besides the stories of Chynna and Kim, there are many resources available including associations and foundations that provide information and support to people and families. I found a long list simply by searching Google.

One source is http://www.childrenswithdisabilities.info/. Another resource is The National Dissemination Center for Children with Disabilities (http://www.nichcy.org/). Forever Families (http://www.foreverfamilies.net/) also offers information and resources for families.

Although their stories aren’t quite the same, Chynna and Kim faced their challenges in a similar matter. Both were proactive, searching for answers that made sense. The women deliver a powerful message. Chynna told me: “Jaimie is my sensational child—my miracle girl.”

Kim said something in her original article that I think bears repeating. “It is my hope that other children realize that despite any disabilities they may have that they too possess strengths and gifts. A disability does not make a person, it is simply a part of who he or she is.”

Allyn Evans
www.allynevans.com
email me!

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